My home state of New Jersey has been the butt of a lot of jokes over the years. There were big hair and mall jokes in the 80s, then all the mafia jokes during The Sopranos years, and the Jersey Shore jokes that assumed we all talked like Snooki and JWoww. Of course, the most classic anti-Jersey joke remains “What exit?” I never understood it growing up because I lived off the Turnpike (Exit 9 if anyone cares), but apparently people are dismayed by the 160+ exits off the Garden State Parkway. Despite all of the jokes (and the admittedly high property taxes), New Jersey ranked fourth in Wallethub’s recent report on the Happiest States. The authors examined “30 key metrics ranging from the depression rate and the share of adults feeling productive to income growth and the unemployment rate.” We didn’t make the top three—Hawaii, Maryland, and Nebraska—but fourth out of 50 is more than an honorable mention. And we ranked number one in emotional and physical health and wellbeing (though few of us are feeling it this week, I imagine). I can’t say I had a lot of state pride growing up, and I admit that I never expected to be back here as an adult, but as we are becoming increasingly divided and dependent on our governors to protect us from our own the federal government, I’m glad I did. (It’s not being reported this way, but Trump totally caved to Pritzker. He was too scared to take his traveling dictator show to Illinois, so he’s going to a blue city in a red state instead.) My current governor—like many others in blue states—signed an executive order designed to keep vaccines accessible. I walked into CVS this weekend and had no trouble getting my flu and Covid shots. (Suck it, Bobby Brainworm!) My parents had a harder time finding them in Florida, and friends in other states have said they’re just not available. I can only imagine what this will do to some states’ health and wellness rankings. (Already, the bottom five are red states.) The real fear though is for next year. On Monday, RFK, Jr. announced five new members of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP). Among them are Catherine Stein and Kirk Milhoan. Stein is an infectious disease epidemiology professor in Ohio who argued against vaccine mandates and accused her state of inflating the number of COVID-19 deaths. Milhoan is a pediatric cardiologist who authored a paper claiming that mRNA vaccines lead to more cases of myocarditis (a heart condition) than COVID-19 itself. He called for the shot to be pulled from the market. Remember, this is the committee that makes expert recommendations of which vaccines are necessary, when they should be given, and what doses people need. These recommendations are used to decide who can/should get a vaccine and whether insurance—including Medicare and Medicaid—will pay for it. Technically, the CDC stands between the committee and the final recommendations, but Junior fired the CDC Director just weeks after hiring her because she wouldn’t rubber stamp the committee’s recommendations. It feels likely that her successor will follow the ACIP’s advice. Many of the decisions about this year’s COVID shot—including decisions about insurance coverage—were made before these new anti-vaxxers were added to the ACIP and the CDC was gutted. What will happen next year is anyone’s guess at this point, but many of us may be relying even more on our governors to keep us healthy. Between now and then, however, I get a new governor. It will either be Congresswoman Mikie Sherrill who came out ahead in a crowded Democratic primary or Jack Ciattarelli, a former state assemblyman who has Trump’s wholehearted endorsement. (When Trump first ran, Ciattarelli called him a charlatan who was unfit for office, but like so many spineless members of his party he’s come far enough around to comfortably plant his lips on the President’s ass. Jack recently said he was “truly humbled and honored” by Trump’s endorsement). Ciattarelli is not anti-vaccine—he has been public about getting the COVID shot himself—but he’s clearly happy to toe whatever party line MAGA-GOP asks him to. He recently assured an anti-vaccine group in the state that he planned to expand exemptions to the current vaccine mandates for school children. (It’s all part of his parents’ rights agenda which apparently also includes rolling back a NJ law that mandates teaching about the societal contributions of LGBTQ people. When he announced that plan he said, “we’re not teaching sodomy in 6th grade.” That sounds awfully homophobic, but he later clarified that the sodomy comment wasn’t about gay people, it was about the state’s sex ed mandate that require students to learn about vaginal, oral, and anal sex by 8th grade. (Ok, Jack, if you say so.) I recently saw Mikie Sherrill at a backyard fundraiser in my town where I also ran into my primary care doctor. We were chatting when Sherrill walked by. I managed to stop the Congresswoman and ask what she was going to do to secure public health in New Jersey. “This is my primary care, doc,” I said. “Is she going to be able to give me a Covid shot this year?” Sherrill started with a vague response about being innovative in public health but then promised that we’d stockpile vaccines and mifepristone if necessary. I hadn’t even asked about abortion. Clearly, she has my vote. (Fellow New Jerseyans, please vote for Mikie even if she wasn’t your first choice in the primary. We cannot have a Trump clone as Governor.) When I was in college, a friend sent me a mixtape (yes, I am mixtape old) that included the song “I’m From New Jersey” by John Gorka. It hits on all the jokes.
It remains hilarious to me, but my state pride has grown considerably since I first heard it. Screw mystery; Texas ranked 37th on the happiness score, and they have Ken Paxton. (Coincidence? I don’t think so). And let’s not diss Ohio, the people there enshrined abortion rights in their constitution by a vote of 57%-43%. Go Buckeyes. Ozempdick’s Saggy SisterA few months ago, I wrote about Ozempic Penis—or as one Reddit user cleverly coined it, Ozempdick—a phenomenon in which people on GLP-1 medications think their penises got bigger. They didn’t. GLP-1s do not affect penis size, but the area at the base of the penis may shrink when a person loses weight. This can make the attached dick look bigger in comparison and/or reveal parts of it that used to be buried under fat. Not surprisingly, most Ozempic users—at least the ones who took to Reddit to discuss the size of their member—saw this as a benefit rather than a side effect. The same cannot be said of Ozempidick’s saggy sister, Ozempic Vulva. This one is definitely a side effect, and it doesn’t have a cool nickname. The origin of the issue, however, is the same. Weight loss, especially when it happens quickly, can cause fat to disappear from some places and/or get redistributed to others. Parts of a vulva—specifically the labia majora and the mons pubis (a.k.a. the parts where pubic hair grows)—are often a little fatty. If this fat is lost, everything might look different. The skin on these areas might look loose or saggy, and the labia minora might become more pronounced. Unfortunately, these changes are not just cosmetic. Sagging skin may chafe against clothing, and less padding may make daily activities—from bike riding to sitting to f**king—uncomfortable or even painful. Other vulva issues have been reported, including vaginal dryness and pelvic floor weakness. However, it’s unclear how GLP-1s or even rapid weight loss would cause these problems. The best guess is that people on these medications may not be eating or drinking enough (the medications are said to silence food chatter in your brain and are also known to cause GI issues in many people). Dehydration and a lack of nutrients could cause dryness and muscle issues, but some experts aren’t convinced. It’s just as possible that these issues happen to be common in the groups (cough, cough, perimenopausal women, cough cough) that take GLP-1 medications. GLP-1 users who are having vulva issues that cause pain or interfere with sex should definitely talk to a health care provider. Vaginal moisturizers and industrial strength lube may be helpful for dryness, and pelvic floor physical therapy can help with muscle issues and pain loops. Adjusting the dose of the GLP-1 so that weight comes off at a slower pace might also help. As for the cosmetic part, there are things that can be done like vulva puffing (adding fillers to the labia majora) or labiaplasty (surgery usually done to make the labia minora smaller), but these seem pretty extreme for most people. These cosmetic procedures can also have complications. Vulva fillers can go in unevenly, break down over time, migrate to other areas, or get lumpy. Nobody wants a lumpy vadge. Just to recap: men who lose weight on Ozempic or Wegovy or Zepbound get to think their dicks are bigger while the women suffer actual pain. Freud was wrong about penis envy, but this seems like a cruel joke. Man, Ozempussy is so unfair. Sex on Wednesday is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell Sex on Wednesday that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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Ozempdick's Saggy Sister
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