When I was growing up, we lived—or at least shopped—by what Consumer Reports said. My dad never bought a car, an air conditioner, an appliance, or a car radio (remember when you used to buy car radios) without checking its score in the latest issue or the Annual Buying Guide. He even broke his prohibition on sugary cereals at some point in the early 1980s because Consumer Reports said that Lucky Charms weren’t so bad for you after all. I don’t know if that was true, but they certainly tasted better than All Bran. And despite Dad’s best efforts, they became a gateway drug to Cinnamon Toast Crunch which made its way into the house by the time I was in Junior High and remains an all-time favorite of mine. I still consult Consumer Reports as an adult when I have to buy big things like cars and dishwashers. (This house seems to eat dishwashers; I’ve bought at least four since moving in.) But Wirecutter from the New York Times has increasingly become our product-recommender-of-choice. We used it when we bought the too-big TV for our living room, and I’ve consulted it for smaller things like the best sunscreen and razors. I’ve also read its best jeans list a couple of times but have never followed through on any of the suggestions because jeans shopping is scary. Last week, the folks at Wirecutter weighed in on condoms. Everybody loves to hate condoms and say that they block sensation and smell bad, but these complaints are really about the rubbers of a bygone era. Today’s condoms are super thin, coated in premium lube, and do not smell like a melted band-aid. Wirecutter looked at more than 100 of the best-selling condoms, interviewed experts, and sought the opinion of testers of all sexes and genders to determine the best fit and feel. The overall winner was LifeStyles Skyn Supreme Feel, a non-latex condom that testers described as softer and more “skinlike” than other condoms. Skyn Original earned runner up status. It’s made out of the same material but is just a little thicker. On the plus side, it’s a little less expensive. Durex Intense got an honorable mention as another non-latex choice, and One Flex was named the best latex condom. Testers also looked at fit and named Okamoto Zero Zero Four the best snugger condom and PS Condoms XL the best generous fit condom. Fit is important because a condom that is too big might slip off and one that is too small might rip. Of course, there’s not as much variation in penis size as that sentence might seem to suggest. Most penises are neither too big nor too small for whatever condom you pick off the shelf. Condoms have a tight ring at the bottom and can stretch to cover a basketball without breaking. Condoms make excellent stocking stuffers. Check out the list and consider grabbing some for yourself, your favorite college student, or your mother-in-law who just got on Bumble. Add some lube while you’re at it; Wirecutter rated those in February. Notably absent from the list were the Trump novelty condoms that made the news this week when a picture of a bowlful was released as part of an Epstein photo dump. The orange wrappers featured a cartoonish drawing of Trump’s face and the slogan I’m HUUUGE. Next to the bowl was a sign that priced them at $4.50. (That’s expensive; condoms usually cost just over a dollar.) We don’t know where the bowl was placed, and there is no date on the picture. We do know the condoms were first sold by Fishs Eddy in 2016.
Between the unflattering drawing of his face and the slogan that mocks how he talks, it’s pretty clear the condoms are not meant to flatter the president. I doubt they were on display at a party Trump actually attended. But don’t worry, there were plenty of pictures of Trump at Epstein’s parties surrounded by women (or possibly girls) whose faces were redacted. There were also pictures of other notable men like Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Woody Allen, Steve Bannon, and the commoner formerly known as Prince Andrew. And there were pictures of sex toys, BDSM gags, and a room from the island house that had no furniture other than a dentist’s chair. These photos, which came from Epstein’s estate, were released by Democrats on the House Oversight Committee. California Representative Robert Garcia, the committee’s top Democrat, said in a statement, “These disturbing photos raise even more questions about Epstein and his relationships with some of the most powerful men in the world. We will not rest until the American people get the truth. The Department of Justice must release all the files, NOW.” The Epstein Files Transparency Act, which overwhelmingly passed both the House and the Senate, gave the Department of Justice 30 days to produce all the files. That deadline comes up on Friday. I don’t think anyone expects them to comply with either the letter or the spirit of that law, but they’re going to have to do something because this is the issue that seems to be finally fracturing MAGA. Maybe Christmas will come (6 days) early? Speaking of Christmas (and Hanukah and New Years and all other celebrations), this is going to be my last Substack of the year. I’m taking some time off to wrap and unwrap presents, and hang out with my parents (who had the audacity to move to Florida but are coming for the holidays), my college kid (who took her last final and is on her way home as I type), my husband (who takes the last couple of weeks of the year off too), my high schooler (who sadly gets the shortest vacation of them all), and a bunch of friends who come from near and far for New Year’s Eve and the Salad Bowl (an annual game of football played with a head of lettuce). I need a break after this grueling year. I hope you all get one too. Happy Holidays. Happy New Year. And F**k Off 2025. Sex on Wednesday is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell Sex on Wednesday that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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Condoms Make Excellent Stocking Stuffers
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