I’m tired and overfed from a good Thanksgiving holiday with family and friends, and I’m traveling this week so this Wednesday will have to be a quickie. But it’s a good one, I promise. Consider it a sneak peek of the annual favorite Things We Voluntarily Stuck Up Our Asses. We’ll have a new one of those in January after the brave people at Defector comb through ER records. Our early taste comes from an unlikely source: Kate Beckinsale. The actress appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! to promote her new movie Wildcat and told an unusual tale about her daughter’s boyfriend. While she told it as though it were simply adorable, I can’t be the only one who wondered why no one—her publicist, her daughter, her agent, Jimmy’s producers—tried to stop her. Kate’s daughter, Lily, is 26. We do not know her boyfriend’s name or age. What we do know is that Kate believes he randomly laid two eggs in one week earlier this year. She explained that he went to the bathroom, and an egg came out the same way they would from a chicken. Kate quickly clarified that he doesn’t have a vagina, so they came out of his butt. That still makes it chicken-like because hens actually only have one hole called a cloaca from which both poop and eggs come out. It doesn’t, however, make it more plausible. Kate explained that it was really an egg—it had a shell and a yolk and everything—but it was hard-boiled because “it kind of cooked inside of him.” She didn’t believe him at first, but he was genuinely scared when it happened which made her think it might be true. Then it happened again, and her daughter texted her a picture of it. She showed Jimmy the picture and told him the whole egg laying incident was a bright spot in a bad year. Barring mad scientists or an origin-story-worthy lab accident, the man did not lay an egg. If he had, why would it be a chicken egg? Also—and it seems silly to even mention this—an egg wouldn’t hard boil in a human intestine because 98.6 degrees is far to cold. Egg whites don’t become fully solid until about 185 degrees. Best case scenario is that the boyfriend was pulling her leg and snapped a picture of a hardboiled egg in the (hopefully clean) toilet because he knew it would delight his girlfriend’s mom. It’s not a move that’s ever been included in articles about impressing your future in-laws, but maybe he knows her very well. If an egg did come out of his ass, however, it’s because he—or someone else—stuck it up there in the first place. Kate claims she asked him about exactly this. “I said to him, ‘Is this some kind of attention-seeking [thing], are you putting eggs up your bottom?” He seems to have denied that possibility, which was good enough for Kate. I’m betting that Kate has not read the list of things we stuck up our asses last year (or the year before). If she had, she might know that people caught with things in their butts frequently deny having put said thing there on purpose. Instead, people accidentally fall on a hairbrush or “slip in the shower” and somehow manage to get a whole shampoo bottle lodged deep in their rectum. Last year, one patient claimed he had been trying to get poop out with a pen when the pen got stuck. One tripped in tub and landed on a plastic shark toy. And another blamed his wife for getting carried away and sticking the handle of a screwdriver up his butt. The guy with the 12-inch ratchet extender in his rectum simply didn’t know how it got there. The egg is a puzzler though. As Kate herself points out, “I think it’s quite hard to put an egg up your bottom and then get it up whole without injuring the egg, I think that’s a skill.” I agree with her there. It would require a delicate hand and a hell of a lot of lube to get even a hardboiled egg up there without cracking its shell. Moreover, I can’t imagine how one would get it out the natural way without crushing it entirely (sphincter muscles are quite strong). On the off chance it wasn’t a joke but an attempt at anal play gone awry, I must remind everyone yet again that nothing should go up the butt that doesn’t have a flared base or a string that stays on the outside. We made a shirt to help you remember.
Body part like penises and fingers are safe because they are attached to people. Butt plugs are good because they have a flared base. Anal beads are fine because some of the string stays out. Regular old dildos and vibrators are not safe nor are everyday household objects. Even if you and your partner are sure you can hold onto the end of said object, things can get pulled into the rectum and quickly become out of reach. If this happens, seek medical attention quickly. Foreign objects in the rectum can be dangerous. They can damage tissue, obstruct bowels, and cause infection. While an egg might look harmless, I can’t help but wonder what happens if it starts to rot. The infeasibility of an egg as anyone’s choice of anal toy brings me back to the idea that it was a strange, inside joke that she probably shouldn’t have shared with all of America. I kind of wanted it to be a bite from a radioactive chicken, but of all the superpowers that one could acquire in that way, laying a hardboiled egg out of your butt would have to be lamest. No one’s even going to eat it. Sex on Wednesday is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell Sex on Wednesday that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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He Didn't Lay an Egg
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