Things We Stuck Up Our Asses in 2025A Veritable Junk Drawer of Objects That Do Not Belong in the Anus
A lot happened in the last few weeks. I tried to ignore most of it. In fact, I’m still trying to ignore most of it, which is why I am so grateful to the folks at Defector for having once again compiled the annual list of what we stuck in/up our asses last year. It’s the perfect non-news news story to ease us back into a non-holiday schedule in which we have to once again pay attention to real news like asinine revised vaccine schedules, inhumane bans on gender affirming care, and the impending war with Greenland(?). (I had an “ease us in like good lube” joke here, but my Before I launch into the annual list, I have to give my annual disclaimer. I am not opposed to sticking things in holes for pleasure. I’m not poking fun at people who stick things in holes for pleasure. I’m also not poking fun at people who are so embarrassed to admit they stick things in holes for pleasure that they lie about slipping in shower or falling on a coke bottle at exactly the right angle. I want everyone to know that sticking things in holes for pleasure is fine. AND… I want people to be selective about what they stick in which holes. When it comes to butts, there are some hard and fast rules. As always, the list is a collection of things that broke those rules. We know this because the list is compiled each year from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. I suppose it’s fair to ask if what I’m really doing is poking fun at people who were unfortunate enough to end up in the ER with a toothbrush holder or a 24-inch dildo in their butt. Of course not. That would be mean. AND… Someone stuck nails up their rectum this year and someone else stuck nails and screws up there. A third someone put one of those pointy corn cob holder holders in their butt. There was an aerosol bottle, a wine stopper, a turkey baster, a flashlight, a vape pen, eyeglasses, pencils, a dental pick, a penny, some marbles, a dryer sheet, a dog chew, a rock, an egg, a hair tie, and a sandal. It seems pretty clear that these random junk drawer items are not things that belong up our butts. (I’m particularly intrigued by the dryer sheet and have to wonder whether it was being used for its scent rather than its sensation.) There were some unusually large items that found their way into our asses last year such as a full-sized baseball. The guy who put it there was honest about his motivations saying simply that he wanted to know what if felt like. Other oversized items on the list include the aforementioned 24-inch dildo, a doorknob, and a magic wand—not the magician’s version which is long and narrow, but rather the sex toy which has a wide top and a very long handle. (According to the internets, the OG sex toy is 2.5 inches wide, over 12 inches long, and weighs 1.2 pounds, but it’s been around a long time so those measurements may be outdated.) Sex toys of all sizes were among the most commonly lost/retrieved items. One woman told her emergency health care provider that she put a vibrator in her butt and didn’t remember whether she took it out. The report suggested that she looked elsewhere (perhaps under the bed or in her night table drawer) before coming to the ER. A man blamed his wife for putting a rubber sex toy in his butt when they were drunk which was still there the next day. Another arrived in the ER with a vibrator somewhere in his rectum that was still vibrating. The notes on his cases explain, “He states he was with a girl last night and doesn’t remember much.” (I wonder how long it took him to realize it wasn’t just that he needed to fart.) There were two cases in which butt play started with a sex toy and ended with a household tool. One woman explained that that she was using a butt plug when a piece broke off. Her boyfriend tried to retrieve the piece with tweezers but those also got stuck. A man tells a similar story only he tried to retrieve the 7-inch dildo that got sucked into his rectum with a pair of pliers which—you guessed it—were also in his ass when he showed up in the ER. As we know from years past, Rule Number One in butt play is that anything that goes into the rectum should either be attached to a person (like a penis or finger), have a flared based that stays outside the rectum (like legit butt plugs do), or have a retrieval ring that stays outside the rectum (like anal beads). We even made this PSA tee-shirt, so no one forgets:
It sounds like we need to follow that with Rule Number Two: if something gets sucked into the rectum, don’t stick something else up there to get it out. In fact, if you can’t feel it from the outside, don’t try to get it out yourself at all as you could do more damage. Get over any embarrassment you feel and go to the ER. Clearly you won’t be the first person they’ve seen who has a sex toy, film canister, shampoo bottle, or piece of uncooked pasta lodged in a very inconvenient location. (I’m dying to know what kind of pasta it was—my money is on fusilli.) There was one guy who came into the ER with much of a coat hanger in his rectum. According to the report, “He inserted the hanger during sexual activity. When he couldn’t get it out, he cut off the outside of the hanger so he could drive to the ER.” If we think about it, this guy was following Rules Number One and Two. A coat hanger does have a flared base of sorts which he left out of the anus, and he didn’t try to go in after it with scissors or a bolt cutter. But sticking a hanger up your ass still defies common sense. It sounds like we need a Rule Number Three. Might I propose “No more wire hangers!”* We stuck things in our vadges and our penises this year too, and Defector also compiled a separate list of penis incidents that includes many unfortunate accidents and a lot of really dumb ideas. I’ll write these up in the next couple of weeks as an ongoing break from the real news. Stay tuned. ** This joke, which may also be beneath me, required a little bit of poetic license as the incident involved a plastic coat hanger.Sex on Wednesday is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell Sex on Wednesday that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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Things We Stuck Up Our Asses in 2025
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