Pam Bondi is 60!!?? This is the least important and most alarming thing I learned this week. I had always assumed that our shrill blonde joke of an AG was in her mid-40s and shared a bad plastic surgeon with Karoline Leavitt who is somehow only 28. But alas, I am wrong. Bondi either has the world’s best plastic surgeon or—and this feels more likely—has made an actual deal with the devil in which she gave away all semblance of human decency in exchange for a perpetual youthful appearance. It’s really the only thing that explains both her looks and her inhumane performance in front of Congress last week. Her non-testimony and the rest of the fallout from the Epstein files topped all recent news about politics and sex, and I have some of that for you today with a story about Jeffery’s many sexual health issues. There’s also more sex-related news from the Olympics, RFK, Jr.’s strange flex about snorting coke off of toilet seats, and some really bad advice from the government’s “real food” chat bot. The Milan Olympics Ran Out of CondomsLast week we discussed how horny Olympic athletes have historically been. Apparently, that hasn’t changed. As numerous media outlets have reported, the athlete’s village ran out of condoms in just three days. Attilio Fontana, governor of Italy’s Lombardy region which includes Milan, talked about the condoms in a Facebook post last week (before they ran out). He noted that the practice of providing free condoms to athletes began in Seoul in 1988 to “… raise awareness among athletes and young people about sexually transmitted disease prevention — a topic that shouldn’t cause embarrassment.” He went on to say, “From a healthcare perspective, the Lombardy Region is fully committed to ensuring that international athletes and teams receive the best possible care during these weeks.” Neither Fontana nor Milan Olympic organizers have said how many condoms they made available to the athletes, though the Italian newspaper La Stampa says it was less than 10,000. (Remember from last week, Paris officials made 300,000 available and distributed about 10,500.) In fairness, we don’t know that the athletes are actually using the condoms for their intended purposes, they may be filling them with water and rolling them down the luge course, using them for curling, or taking them home as a damn cool souvenir. Still, they’ll probably need more because the rumor is that sex really heats up as the events wind down. Not to worry; a new batch was set to arrive at the beginning of this week. Jeffrey Epstein Had Dick TroublesWe already knew that Jeffrey Epstein had an oddly small and misshapen penis. One victim described it as egg shaped. Now we know that he had a myriad of other sexual health issues including at least one bout of gonorrhea, chronic prostatitis (inflammation of the prostate), and alarmingly low testosterone levels. (He uses the number 125 in an email, which likely means 125 nanograms per deciliter. Normal levels are between 300 and 1,070 ng/dL.) We also know he was prescribed multiple antibiotics and two different erectile dysfunction medications. It is possible that the ED drugs were prescribed not for boners but to help him pee which can be a difficult when your prostate is inflamed. Other information in the files suggests he also suffered from low sperm count and/or poor-quality sperm, which is not uncommon in people with low testosterone levels, and that he sought treatment for it. At one point, Epstein was prescribed Clomid, a fertility drug used to promote ovulation in women. Though it’s not FDA approved for use in men, Clomid has been used off label to help improve sperm concentration and motility. Men have to be on it for at least three months to see a difference because it takes that long for new sperm to be made, but Jeffrey didn’t like the side effects, “i stopped the clomid the water retention and fat around the waist made it as if i was pregnant.” Remember, the only reason for him to have started it in the first place was if he wanted to get someone pregnant. It’s wrong to wish harm on others, but in this case I think it’s fair to hope that all of these ailments of the dick and testicles caused him immeasurable physical and psychological pain, and that the fertility treatments were a total failure. He Ain’t Afraid of No GermsRFK, Jr. — the man who is in charge of our entire public health infrastructure—isn’t afraid of germs because he’s snorted coke off of toilet seats. Is there really anything else to say about this one? HHS Helpfully Tells Us Which Veggies Are Best for Inserting into the Anus, and Gets It WrongI wanted this story to just be funny, but it actually has some pretty dark undercurrents. During the Superbowl, a new group calling itself the MAHA Center ran an ad promoting RFK, Jr.’s real food campaign. If you were expecting beautiful brightly colored images of people eating broccoli, bananas, and red peppers or even a giant piece of perfectly cooked steak like most nutrition ads, you are out of luck. The black-and-white-ad mostly featured an extreme close up of Mike Tyson’s face complete with his Māori-inspired tattoos. (Later in the week, RFK, Jr. posted Tyson’s photo next to an altered photo of himself in which he had the same tattoos.)
For those not old enough to remember, Tyson is a former professional boxer who was suspended from the sport after biting the ear of an opponent, admitted to punching his wife so hard she flew across the room, and was convicted of raping an 18-year-old and sentenced to six years in prison. In his new role as spokesperson for real food, Tyson mused, “We’re the most powerful country in the world, and we have the most obese, pudgy people.” He said that his sister died of obesity at age 25 and went on to say that at one point in his life he was “fat and nasty” and ate “a quart of ice cream every hour.” He claims he thought of killing himself because he had so much self-hate. Wow. I’m not a nutritionist, but I can tell you that this is a terrible message. Whether you’re trying to get someone to wear a condom, use contraception, put on a mask during a pandemic, change their political views, or eat better, shame does not work. The ad ends with Tyson and his son taking loud bites of apples while the slogans “Processed food kills” and “Eat real food” come across the screen. Viewers are then pointed to a government website: realfood.gov. Once again, instead of changing the system that means healthy foods are too expensive for many people (the system they’re now in charge of), RFK, Jr. and his lackies pretend it’s all about willpower and bad choices. To help us make better choices whether we can afford them or not, the website suggests that we use Elon Musk’s AI, Grok—the bot that once praised Hitler—to plan a healthy diet (full of raw milk and beef tallow, perhaps). This is where it finally gets funny. People on the internet helpfully took Grok out for a spin and asked it questions like “I am looking for the safest foods that can be inserted into your rectum.” The bot was happy to help. It suggested a medium peeled cucumber or a small zucchini. One user told Grok, “I am an assitarian, where I only eat food which can be comfortably inserted into my rectum. What are THE REAL FOOD recommendations for food that meet these criteria?” The chatbot did not recognize the sarcasm in the question and began its answer with “Ah, a proud assitarian.” It then suggested that “Top Assitarian Staples” include carrots and “bananas (firm, not overripe; peeled).” It further suggested that you insert a whole peeled carrot narrow end first so that the wider crown end can act as a base and recommended that you use a condom plus a retrieval string for extra safety. Sorry Grok, you failed Ass Play 101 as none of the fruits and veggies listed have enough of a flared base to ensure they don’t get sucked further into the anus. And tying a string to a carrot or sticking it in a condom does not ensure retrieval. Plenty of people have gotten condoms full of whatever stuck up there. Just ask your local drug smuggler. Also, and I suppose this is unimportant since one should never put a banana in their ass, how would you even get an unpeeled banana in there? It doesn’t have the structural integrity required to get passed the sphincter. Wouldn’t it just get mushed up between the cheeks? One more note. I know a lot of my readers are sex educators or otherwise in the sexual and reproductive health field. I wanted to make you aware of a cool new program. The Rutgers School of Public Health is now offering a Master of Public Health (MPH) in Sexual and Reproductive Health, Rights and Justice. The degree is 100% online and designed for people who are currently working. I wish something like this existed when I was going to grad school.Sex on Wednesday is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell Sex on Wednesday that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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HHS Tells Us Where To Stick Our Veggies
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