AI hacked my news alerts this week. Two articles about male masturbation appeared repeatedly. One focused on male masturbators—think sex toys not the people who use them—while the other was about realistic sex dolls. I assumed the articles showed up repeatedly because we’re heading into masturbation month and online sites need content, but I’m beginning to think (or hope) that more mystical forces were at play.
The text previews—which showed articles that were similar though not word-for-word duplicates—could almost have been written by a person, albeit one who failed freshman composition. On dolls the “author” wrote:
The increasing presence and approval of life-size realistic sex dolls can be attributed to a confluence of elements showing evolving societal mindsets and specific needs. Here are some essential factors behind their rising popularity.
It’s a little academic for an article that would undoubtedly be interrupted by ads for online gambling and male enhancement pills, but okay.
The article about sleeves read a little more like a second tier 80’s men’s magazine that really wanted to be taken seriously:
Masturbation, a subject often shrouded in silence and misconception, is an essential element of human sexuality and an almost universal experience for men. Far from being a taboo subject, understanding male masturbation is crucial for fostering healthy sexual attitudes, eliminating myths, and promoting overall wellness.
AI always reads like the college student trying to make themselves sound smarter by using too many words. It’s just so average.
It was the headlines that really caught my attention, though. Despite the similarities in the articles, they all had different headlines. It was like a Mad Libs where some had scrawled “realistic,” “doll,” “masturbator,” “masterbator,” or “masturbater,” on the blank that asked for a descriptive noun (apparently cheap AI can’t even spell). The result were headlines that seemed to have originally been written about anything other than whacking off.
Here are some of my favorites with questions and commentary (because when do I not have questions and commentary?).
Avoid Making This Fatal Mistake When You’re Using Your Realistic
I’m going to assume that they meant to add the word doll to the end of this headline, which leaves me with one important question: is the mistake fatal to the doll or the person using it?
15 Interesting Facts About Male Masturbator That You Never Known
I’ve known a lot of things (including how to use the present perfect tense correctly), but for people who aren’t familiar with the male masturbation market, many sex toys for men take the shape of, well, a vagina. They’re essentially silicone sleeves that you put your penis in to simulate putting your penis somewhere else. Add lube for a warm, enveloping feel. Basic models are just a plain cylinder. Fancier ones are dressed up with realistic labia on one end. Some have even been made to look (and feel?) exactly like the vulvas of your favorite porn star. For fans of anal, there are also some that are attached to plump silicone butts. Then there are the deluxe kinds that do all the work for you by vibrating, squeezing, pulsing, and whatnot.
What’s the Point of Nobody Caring About Real Doll Sex Toys
There are too many double negatives in here for me to care, that’s for sure.
Male Masterbators: It’s Not As Expensive as You Think
I suppose this depends on how expensive you think it is. In my super quick perusal of adult websites and Walmart, I found simple sleeves for as little as $8.99. Most of what I saw was in the $30 to $60 range. While Reddit told me that there’s a $1.6 million, pearl-studded dildo out there, the most expensive sleeve I could find cost $149. It boasts hands-free operation, high-amplitude oscillations, and a cute little wrist band controller.
Unexpected Business Strategies for Business That Aided Male Masterbators Achieve Success
They tabled outside a strip club? Oh, no wait, that’s an entirely expected business strategy.
Avoid this Fatal Mistake With Your Masturbator For Guys
In honor of Masturbation May, please let me assure you that jerking off is good for you and—autoerotic asphyxiation aside—there are no fatalities.
10 Beautiful Images of Masturbation Toys
I only made one.
Why Realist Sex Doll is Hard Than You Think
Does a realist sex doll know it’s just being used? Does it smoke cigarettes, listen to Indie Rock, and pop valium when it’s put back in the closet?
10 of The Top Facebook Pages of All Time Concerning Masturbation Toy
I call bullshit on this one because Facebook hates sex. It’s no longer fact checking or taking down hate speech, but posts about sex toys will land you in Zuckerberg jail for a few days. Don’t even think about advertising this stuff. Facebook is all ads these days, but it remains notoriously prudish about whose money it will take.
Funny thing though, a few months ago I kept getting ads for a silicone rose in my feed. I don’t know what the Facebook police thought it was, but I can’t be the only one who instantly recognized it as a clit sucker.
20 Up and Coming Masturbation Toys for Men Starts to Watch The Masturbation Toys For Men Industry
Up and coming for sure. He can’t keep his hands off himself, even in the box. After all, he has swivel-arm battle grip. (Also, is the male sex toy industry really large enough to have 20 “up and coming” masturbation toys? Are there also 15 up and coming cock rings and 30 rising stars in the prostate massager category?)
How Masturbation Toys for Men Has Change the History of Masturbation Toys for Men
That’s quite a tautology. In terms of the actual history of male sex toys, we know that the first blow up doll with a vagina was invented in 1904. We also know that in 1995 an entrepreneurial man name Steve started the Fleshlight company with his sons and an initial investment of $50K because the fake p**ssies he saw for sale were not realistic enough. Fleshlight did $81 million dollars in US sales last year. (I take back what I said above about the number of products the market can sustain, the industry is clearly booming.)
A Guide to Real Doll Sex From Beginning to End
Isn’t that just the instruction manual?
9 Things Your Parents Tell You About Realistic Sex Dolls
I’m all for parents normalizing masturbation for their kids. Parents shouldn’t swat a baby’s hand away from his penis. Parents should tell the four-year-old who is humping a couch pillow that it’s totally normal and probably feels very good, but it’s something they can only do in the privacy of their own room. Parents should knock before entering a teen’s room and ignore any evidence they think they see out of the corner of their eye (say a pile of socks). Still, I can’t come up with anything a parent might tell their kid about realistic sex dolls other than, “Yep, they exist.” (That leaves 8.)
Are You Responsible For An Male Masturbator Budget? 12 Ways To Spend Your Money
I’m trying to imagine what organization might have a budget for male masturbators. I can see a sex toy shop needing to stock its shelves and a porn producer buying a few for stars who need to fluff themselves before a shoot. Outside of the industry the only thing that came to mind was a sperm bank, but this is one of those rare cases when sharing isn’t caring. I’m pretty sure it’s a BYOST situation for donors.
Common Phrases Male Masturbaters Should Steer Clear Of
Again, I can’t think of any. The brilliance of masturbation is that you’re alone. You can say whatever the f**k you want. “I’m a sex machine.” “I love chickens.” “F***********k that feels good.” “Do me, Sheldon.” “Hail Caesar.” It’s all you baby. Go for it.
Why You Must Experience Male Masturbation Devices At Least Once in Your Lifetime
No snark on this one. I agree. If you have a penis, give on a try.
The weird thing is that these articles don’t seem to appear anywhere on the internet other than my paid email news alerts. The links in the email take me to what seems like a cheap content aggregator for news sites. Articles on other topics come up in their entirety, but all of the links I got landed on a 404 “file not found” page. (That page claims to have been published on January 1, 1970, which I have to assume is the day Al Gore invented the internet.)
Google searches for the crazy headlines themselves or for distinct phrases in the articles (as distinct as AI can write that is) got me nowhere. It found none of these headlines nor either of the articles anywhere on the web.
The only logical conclusion is that this was all for my amusement. The gods of the interwebs knew that my alerts were otherwise full of stories about a future rich in measles and light on democracy and that I needed something to make me smile. It worked. And for that reason, I’m sharing it with you and it’s the only thing I’m sharing with you this week. We can get back to cancelled women’s health studies and bad pregnancy outcomes next week. I’m sure it will have gotten worse by then.
For now, I leave you with my very favorite of the headlines.
Never say never.
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