Unfortunately, I can take no credit for the headline. It was the third Facebook comment on a Guardian article about masturbating birds (see the second story). Apparently, bird owners used to be told that they should stop their avian pets from masturbating, but new research shows that it’s not worrisome behavior. “A Bird in the Hand Is Worth Two in the Bush,” was too good. I couldn’t resist, but all credit goes to a random internet user named Brian. There were some pretty good runners-up from both the comments section and a text thread I have with my husband and two old friends who often serve as script doctors and help punch up my jokes. (The text thread is called the Council of Penises, by the way.) Here’s a few of them. Please, please, please use the comment section to vote for your favorite and add your own.
There was also a series of texts that were just actual bird names that sound dirty like Handsome Fruiteater, Willie-Wagtail, Middle American Leaftosser, Blue-Footed Booby (or perhaps Blue-Balled Booby?), and Dickcissel.
Who said ornithologists don’t have a sense of humor? True to their name, Dickcissels are the only polyamorous songbirds—males may have up to six mates and couples do not stay together from one season to the next. Weed May INCREASE TestosteroneThere’s a new study out that weed lovers are going to love. It found that young men who regularly use weed had higher levels of testosterone in their blood than peers who do not light up. But don’t reach for your bong quite yet: it was a small study, and it doesn’t say anything about whether this extra testosterone is good for your fertility. Researchers took blood samples from 94 Swiss males 18-23 who were conscripted into the military. (All “able-bodied” Swiss men are required to serve in the military for six months or the civil service for 350 days.) Half of the men in this study were confirmed weed users, and the other half were non-users. Researchers tested levels of the seven major male sex hormones, which are all referred to as androgens. The results showed that weed users had higher levels of testosterone than nonusers of a similar age. Specifically, they found that there is an increase in the kind of testosterone produced by the testicles. Androgens produced by the adrenal gland were not affected. The researchers concluded that the cannabis has a direct effect on Leydig cells which produce testosterone in the testicles. Leydig cells play a role in spermatogenesis, but that does not mean that increased testosterone leads to improved sperm production. The authors caution that this study says nothing about weed’s impact on male fertility. Past studies that looked at the impact of marijuana on sperm have had mixed results. Last year, for example, I wrote about a study that compared the semen of 37 non-smokers, 39 tobacco smokers, and 37 cannabis smokers. The results showed that cannabis users were most likely to have sperm of abnormal shape or size. It also found that cannabis users had the highest number of immobile sperm in their samples. Oh, and the stoned sperm weren’t very good at swimming in a straight line. But there have been other studies that found weed had no impact on sperm quality or quantity. The authors of the current study remind us that their results show correlation but not causation. It could be that cannabis promotes testosterone production in the testicles, or there could be other factors at play. It’s possible, for example, that cannabis affects liver function which impacts its ability to process testosterone leading to a higher level in the blood. The authors also have another hypothesis that is more lifestyle-based. They question whether men who naturally have higher testosterone rates are more likely to use weed for one reason or another. Maybe they are more prone to risk taking which helped them get the courage to light up the first time, or maybe they just need to take the edge off of all that bubbling masculinity. (Okay, that last part was me.) I know I have a knack for making everything political, but hear me out. MAGA and the manosphere are obsessed with testosterone levels. Tucker Carlson did his whole “End of Man” informercial that featured manly (white) men wrestling each other, flipping tires, splitting wood, shooting bottles, and doing shirtless push-ups. (Yes, he created gay porn, but that’s a different story.) It then warned viewers that testosterone rates were dropping, and even these guys were at risk of becoming sissies. More recently, RFK, Jr. warned that today’s men can’t possibly live up to their grandfathers in a testosterone battle. And just this week, Ken Paxton went after his opponent in the Senate race by referring to him as low-T. (Noah Berlatsky of Public Notice about how Paxton’s campaign is using masculinity and what Dems can learn from it.) How funny would it be if it turned out that—by the Right’s own matrix—the grungy, hippy, stoner set is actually the manliest. What if it turns out that Pete Hegseth’s push-up competitions are no match for an ultimate frisbee tournament? Or that the competitors in Trump’s White House lawn UFC competition are far less virile than the kids out in front of the high school playing hacky sack? Is it possible that Jeff Spicoli, Shaggy, Cheech and/or Chong, Snoop Dogg, and The Dude are actually the poster guys for true masculinity?
I don’t put as much stock in testosterone levels as the average Far Right podcaster, but it seems clear that reaching for a joint is cheaper and easier than buying Tucker’s $1,600 testicle tanner or Alex Jones’s supplements. Leave Your Pet Bird to Masturbate in PeaceUntil now bird owners were apparently told that they should not allow their pet cockatiels or cockatoos to cockafeel. Masturbation was seen as a negative behavior brought on by the stress of being in captivity, and owners were told to take a hard line (but not too hard). Some vets suggested that owners remove their pet’s perch and any toys that the bird could rub itself against. Other vets went as far as to prescribe hormone therapy, and there have even been cases of surgery to “completely de-sex birds.” But no more. Horny birds owe their thanks to researchers at the University of Lancashire in the UK who decided that among all of the unanswered scientific questions in the universe, they should investigate whether wild birds also get themselves off. The team scoured the scientific literature and surveyed bird experts, breeders, and members of online birding communities. Ultimately, they collected data on 120 species of birds, both captive and wild.
The good news is that masturbation is not a sign of the stress or the boredom that comes from living in a cage in the suburbs of Omaha. It’s just something birds do. The surveys found that parrots, ducks, turkeys, and chickens—both males and females—get themselves off sometimes, and that the behavior is actually more common in the wild than in captivity. Birdsturbation usually involves our feathered friends vigorously rubbing themselves against something like their perch or a stick or their owner’s shoulder. Female birds lift their tail and “back on to convenient objects.” Masturbating birds will often flap their wings and make unusual noises (I’ll have what Tweety’s having). Dr. Chloe Heys, one of the researchers on this study and a cockatiel owner, told the Guardian, “If you’ve ever seen a bird masturbate, you absolutely know what that bird is doing.” She added that afterward her bird would often look like it needed a cigarette, “I don’t want to say satisfied, but they do look different after they finish. It’s obviously doing something for them.” Go Birds! (Apologies to the Eagles fans, including the ones who live in this house.) The bottom line is that there’s no reason for birds to join the No Flap movement or abstain from anything during No Nest November. Masturbation is a healthy and natural behavior for people and birds alike. I’m certainly glad we cleared that one up. READ MORE ME: PCOS Has a New NameToday’s newsletter was on the sillier side, and I needed it. I hope you guys did to. Before I go, I just wanted to point you toward an article that I wrote last week for Rewire News Group that is a little a more serious. After an international process that took 14 years, included over 50 patient and provider advocacy groups, and solicited opinions from 22,000 providers and patients, PCOS has a new name. The condition—formerly known as polycystic ovarian syndrome—will now be called polyendocrine metabolic ovarian syndrome or PMOS. PMOS is a set of signs and symptoms that often go together including irregular periods, long cycles, hair growth on the face and chin, sleep issue, weight gain, and a higher risk of developing type 2 diabetes. It was named in the 1930s because people who had this cluster of symptoms also often had ovaries that were riddled with fluid-filled follicles that looked like cysts. But these aren’t what we think of as ovarian cysts (like the one that claimed my left ovary nine years ago), and not every patient has them. Experts argued that the inaccurate name was confusing to patients and providers and could lead to delayed diagnosis and treatment. For the article, I talked to reproductive endocrinologist Dr. Lucky Sekhon and a handful of PMOS patients to hear how they feel about the condition’s new name. Check out what they had to say on Rewire. Sex on Wednesday is free today. But if you enjoyed this post, you can tell Sex on Wednesday that their writing is valuable by pledging a future subscription. You won't be charged unless they enable payments.
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